How to be less reactive and take control of your emotions once and for all

Feel your emotions, they say. Express yourself, they say.

But when your Hulk-like reactions come out—emotions are high and response is intense—then you’re asked to reign it back in. 

The thing is, anger, fear, resentment, embarrassment, guilt, and all other emotions associated with reactivity aren’t always given the attention they deserve. And, more often than not, when they’re not managed properly, they can leave a Hulk-like destruction in its path.

That’s the importance of learning how to be less reactive, according to Dr. Caroline Leaf, a clinical neuroscientist and the trainer of Mindvalley’s Calm Mind: A Scientific Method for Managing Anxiety and Depression Quest.

And when you’re able to make these so-called negative emotions work for you instead of against you, it’s going to be healthier for you and the people you care about.

What does it mean to be reactive?

Being reactive is when a person acts on their immediate feelings toward situations, people, or events without taking the time to think things through first. More often than not, conflicts, misunderstandings, and negative consequences ensue.

It’s typically impulsive, as mental health therapist Jenna Nielsen, MSW, LCSW with ADHDAdvisor.org shares with Mindvalley Pulse. Usually with the high intensity of an emotion (or emotions).

“Common signs of a highly reactive person,” she adds, “would be someone who has anger outbursts, raises their voice, cries very easily, has panic attacks often, or withdraws and isolates immediately after an interaction.”

The Hulk may come to mind. However, if you can’t relate to turning big and green, think of Star Wars’ Anakin Skywalker with his inability to control his fear, anger, and jealousy. Or how about Mean Girls’ Regina George, who’s quick to lash out when she feels threatened or undermined?

If there’s anything that can be learned from their emotional reactivity, it’s that it rarely leads to anything good.

What causes it?

Reactivity can be due to internal and external factors—biological and environmental. Here’s how Jenna explains it:

• Biological. “There are a few different types of biological reactions, such as sensitive, reactive, and slow return to baseline. Reactivity would create extreme reactions that interfere with the ability to think.”
• Environmental. “[Issues] that can create emotional reactivity are chaotic situations, crisis situations, not being taught how to regulate emotions, or modeling of emotional reactivity in the household.”

Interestingly, research shows that there’s a relationship between everyday hassles (like traffic jams, long lines, deadlines, illnesses, disagreements, financial worries, etc.) and emotional responses. One study, in particular, found that people are more emotionally reactive when stressors pile up in a short time period (in this instance, within a day).

So it’s really important to identify your emotional triggers—whether they stem from within or are shaped by the environment. Only then can you begin to develop healthier, more mindful responses.

How to be less emotionally reactive: 8 expert-backed tips

Your angsty teen slams the door in your face, your partner makes a snide comment, your coworker “forgot” to tell you about an important meeting… It’s no wonder you’re seeing red.

The fact of the matter is, overreactions can feel like a freak storm—intense, uncontrollable, and often leaving unexpected damage in its wake. 

But you have two options here: 1) you react, or 2) you learn how to be less reactive so you don’t spiral out of control.

When you’re in that calmer state, you’re going to have more wisdom to deal with a situation coming up. We do not have wisdom when we’re freaking out.

— Dr. Caroline Leaf, trainer of Mindvalley’s Calm Mind: A Scientific Method for Managing Anxiety and Depression

The first option, as you may know, can get you into deeper sh*t. But if you’ve opted for #2, you can explore these tips Dr. Leaf shares on her YouTube channel that can help with your emotional regulation.

1. Recognize the signs early

“You’re going to need to train yourself to pay attention to the physical signals inside of your body that are warning you,” explains Dr. Leaf. Not only that, but emotional ones as well.

What does this look like?

Physically, it could be heart racing, fists clenched, muscles tensing up, and so on. Emotionally, it could be feelings of agitation, frustration, or something similar creeping in before the big explosion.

These early signs are essentially red flags, so you can stop yourself from saying or doing something you’ll regret. And once you’re aware of them, you can take steps to diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand.

2. Practice deep breathing

Angry? Deep breaths. Crying? Deep breaths. Anxiety? Deep breaths.

There’s a reason why the advice for any emotional reaction is to just breathe. Dr. Leaf explains that doing so sends information to your body that it’s time to calm down. 

But here’s the thing: research shows that different emotions have distinct respiration patterns. You might’ve noticed this—when you feel anxious or angry, your breathing is short, fast, and shallow. But when you feel calm and joyful, it’s deeper and slower.

“When you’re in that calmer state, you’re going to have more wisdom to deal with a situation coming up,” Dr. Leaf points out. “We do not have wisdom when we’re freaking out.”

So, if you want to learn to control your emotions, change how you breathe.

3. Give yourself space

Sometimes, the best thing you can do in a heated situation is to step away. 

“If there is someone that is saying something or doing something or has, over a period of time, done something that you know is going to aggravate you,” Dr. Leaf says, “if possible, give yourself some space physically if you can, if not mentally.”

Go for a quick walk, head to another room, or just take a moment to breathe. Or take a moment to look away, focus on something else, or count to ten. Whatever you choose to do, the goal is to give yourself time to reflect before reacting.

4. Use positive self-talk

Being aware of how you talk to yourself can go a long way. Dr. Leaf advises rephrasing negative, hostile thoughts into more balanced ones, like this:

Negative thought	Positive thought
“I hate these people.”	“I hate what they’re doing, and it’s making me angry.”
“Nothing ever goes right for me.”	“Things are tough right now, but I’ve overcome stuff before, and I can do it again.”
“I’ll never be able to handle this.”	“This is difficult, but I can figure it out one step at a time.”

See the difference? One is destructive, the other constructive.

Challenging irrational beliefs is key here. Ask yourself if your anger is really justified or if it’s just a feeling that’s grown out of proportion.

Oftentimes, unresolved feelings or assumptions fuel your reactions. When you’re specific about what’s really bothering you, you can break the cycle of negativity and approach the situation with more clarity.

5. Practice mindfulness

“Mindfulness techniques can help you get into the moment,” Dr. Leaf explains. And so, when you feel that you’re letting your emotions get the better of you, staying present can help you with stress management.

Does Dr. Leaf have any exercises you can try? She sure does, and here’s one—the 5-4-3-2-1 method—she recommends:

• Name five things you can see,
• Four things you can touch,
• Three things you can hear,
• Two things you can smell, and
• One thing you can taste. 

Techniques like these help maintain emotional balance, slowing down your emotional response and giving you a moment to regroup and respond thoughtfully.

6. Practice expressing yourself

“Now this one you have to do out of the situation,” says Dr. Leaf. “So you have to practice the calm speaking.”

Why? Simply because expressing yourself coherently or constructively (let alone calmly) isn’t something that comes naturally in the heat of the moment.

So if you know you’re about to see someone who always pushes your buttons, prepare yourself mentally. Practice what you’ll say with calmness when the situation arises.

By doing so, you’re training your brain to stay cool under pressure.

7. Problem-solving

If you’re having trouble with anger management, Dr. Leaf suggests focusing on finding a solution.

It’s easy to dwell on the problem and replay the situation over and over. However, that only feeds the fire. Instead, give yourself a moment to reflect and then ask, “What can I do about this?”

“You may have to consult with other people; you may have to speak to a therapist, a coach, a counselor, best friend…” she says. The point is to move from problem to solution.

When you do, you shift your focus from the problem itself to how you can resolve it. And this will help break the cycle of anger and open the door to positive action.

8. Use relaxation techniques

When you’re stressed, one small thing can make you snap. The more stress you let build up, the faster it happens—like you’re unintentionally practicing how to react impulsively.

“Train yourself to have relaxation techniques,” Dr. Leaf advises. These can be anything that works for you—meditation, deep breathing, taking a walk in nature, or spending time in a sauna. 

These moments help recharge your emotional batteries and teach you how to be less reactive. But one thing to keep in mind is that consistency is the key—regular practice makes it easier to tap into that calm state when you need it most.

How to be less reactive at work

No doubt, deadlines, meetings, and the constant ping of emails can push anyone to their limit. In fact, a survey by the APA in 2023 found that 77% of workers felt stressed at work, with 57% reporting problems like feeling emotionally drained and not wanting to do their best.

But the office is no place to let your emotions take the wheel, as Jenna highlights. The challenge is to respond professionally, even when you’re stressed to the max. Here how:

• Take deep breaths, count to ten, or step away for a moment when stress builds up.
• Regular one-on-one meetings with managers can help discuss emotional triggers and ways to manage reactivity.
• If work-related stress is overwhelming, request flexibility, like adjusted deadlines or lighter workloads when needed.

What’s more, leaders should receive training in deescalation techniques to diffuse tense situations before they escalate. This can help foster a calmer, more supportive work environment.

How to be less reactive in relationships

There are numerous ways emotional reactivity can show up in a relationship, whether it’s with a partner, a child, or even a close friend. You know, snapping at your partner after a long day, losing your temper with your child during a stressful morning, or overreacting with a close friend for something minor they said.

These emotional flare-ups leave others feeling invalidated or like they’re constantly doing something wrong. Here are some tips Jenna gives to help reduce reactivity in relationships:

• Create a word or signal that means, “We need a time out.”
• Make a conscious effort to listen without interrupting or reacting immediately.
• Step away from the conversation when emotions are high or feel intense. 

You can also encourage loved ones—or yourself—to seek professional help to better manage emotions. This works just as well when figuring out how to be less reactive as a parent.

Additional resources

The inability to manage your emotional outbursts isn’t a death sentence. There are plenty of people out there who’ve overcome it. And if they can, so can you.

Jenna and Dr. Leaf have great insights on how to do so, but there are also other tools like meditations and books on how to be less reactive. Here are a few you can check out:

Meditations

A guided meditation to feel peace | Jeffrey Allen

Your body is like a giant energy sponge. It soaks up the vibes from people, places, and just… life.

So it’s no wonder that, over time, it gets a bit heavy. Doesn’t it?

This guided meditation by Jeffrey Allen is here to help you hit the reset button and clear all that congestion. Use it whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed, weighed down by other people’s stress, or just plain frazzled.

9-minute guided meditation for improved focus and energy | House of Well-being

Had one of those long, nonstop days where you’re running on fumes? House of Well-Being brings you a quick (nine minutes of quick, to be precise) guided meditation just when you need it most.

This isn’t just another sit-and-breathe session, though. No, no. It’s designed to help you clear your head, regain focus, and shake off the tension of the day. 

Take a seat, press play, and let this short but powerful meditation work its magic. You’ll feel more centered, energized, and ready to tackle whatever’s next.

Books

Emotional Agility by Susan David 

If you’re looking for a book on how to handle life’s emotional curveballs with grace, Emotional Agility is it.

Granted, it’s not specifically about how to be less reactive, per se, but in it, psychologist Susan David gives you the tools to manage tricky emotions that often lead to those impulsive reactions. She teaches you how to navigate stress, frustration, and fear by staying flexible in your thinking so you can respond thoughtfully rather than lash out.

It’s a guide to building emotional resilience—perfect for anyone who wants to stop getting hijacked by their feelings and start handling stress like a pro.

Breaking Bad Patterns by Simon Harper

Breaking Bad Patterns by psychotherapist Simon Harper dives deep into the emotional loops that keep us stuck in anxiety, addiction, and other challenges.

Admittedly, its main focus isn’t on emotional reactivity. However, it does tackle the root cause: those pesky, old patterns from childhood and past traumas that make us overreact in the first place. 

Simon offers practical strategies to break free from these cycles, helping you gain more control over how you respond to life’s stressors. So, if you’re looking to calm that knee-jerk reaction and rewrite your emotional story, this book could be your new go-to guide.

Mind Your Manners by Sara Jane Ho

Mind Your Manners also doesn’t fall under the “emotional reactivity” category at your local bookstore, but minding your manners sure can help.

In this witty and practical guide, Sara Jane Ho, a global etiquette expert and Netflix star, shows you how to navigate tricky social situations with grace—both online and in person. From awkward work encounters to cross-cultural cues, her advice gives you the tools to stay calm and confident, even when you’re tempted to react. 

What’s more, this book helps you build stronger connections. And that naturally leads to more thoughtful responses, not emotional outbursts.

Heal. Rise. Thrive.

There’s sage advice that goes, “Respond, not react.” And in doing so, you regain control when emotions get the best of you.

Dr. Caroline Leaf’s Mindvalley Quest, Calm Mind: A Scientific Method for Managing Anxiety and Depression, can absolutely help you with this, just like it did for Batoul Saleh, a life coach from Jeddah, Saudi Arabia:

“I was a very angry person! I didn’t know how to calm myself or understand what was happening inside me. I struggled to turn the negative thoughts in my brain into positive ones. Whenever I felt stressed, I would experience shortness of breath, and now I understand why. This course is a true investment in ourselves—to rewire and balance our brain.” (Lightly edited for clarity.)

There are other programs that can also help you master how to be less reactive, like…

• The Champion Mindset Quest with Florencia Andrés,
• Duality Quest with Jeffrey Allen, and
• Hero. Genius. Legend. Quest with Robin Sharma.

Sign up for a free Mindvalley account, and you can preview the first few lessons. Not only that, you’ll have access to specially selected daily meditations. Best of all, you can also become part of a global community to connect, grow, and share your journey with people who truly understand and support your path.

Welcome in.